Real life, real talk. Give me your baby.

So I normally try to do some light hearted posts in between long rambling blogs but getting back into the swing of things I am pushing myself to share more aspects of myself rather then just what I'm wearing or baking. 

Jim and I have been discussing the thought of having children for about a year now. I was always one of those people that didn't want children. I have a difficult relationship with my mom and I don't talk to my Dad. I have this horrible fear that I will end up like my mother and for that reason I avoided the thought of having children. Within the last year I reevaluated my thoughts on this and realized that I can use my bad experiences as lessons when it comes to how to raise a child and I think that Jim and I both have a willingness to love and nurture.

Jim and I can not have children together. I'm not even sure I can have kids. I've had lady issues for years and Jim is not able to at all. I'm ok with that and while I think the experience of being pregnant would be exciting, I wouldn't be devastated if I missed out on it. I think that going through a donor and me having a baby would be easier and less costly, but if I am not able to, we would be happy to adopt. I also feel that if we desire to have more then one child that if I was able to get pregnant, I would only do it once and then we would adopt after that. 

I've been doing some research about adoption and here is what I've come up with. If we want the experience of raising a child from birth, then we need to be rich. Looking online they tell you that doing and independent adoption is less costly, but with that the mother chooses you and reading more into that, the mother's choice is usually with someone who has money because they want to know that their baby will have more then they would be able to give them. Now we aren't rich, nor do I think we ever will be. We sometimes struggle and sometimes we don't. We have never gone without and I know that if we had a child, we would do everything to make sure they were cared for and then some. In no means are "Well Off" though and that's what concerns me. Adopting from the state is more affordable, but children in state programs are usually older. We have been looking at children ages 4 and under. I personally want all of those toddler memories and all the late nights of feedings and bonding. 

We thought about fostering children, I know that I would be devastated if a child I grew an attachment to went back to a home that wasn't fit for them. We live in a town that is highly effected by meth  and I would be heart broken if some child get taken away from our loving, safe, and nurturing home and went back to their tweaker mother/father. For that reason we avoided perusing that route. 

At this point we aren't sure what to do. We were talking to another couple in a similar situation that said that they get mad that they can't have a "mistake". We joked that they should give babies out, like people do outside Wal-Mart with free puppies! I know what they mean though and honestly I've thought that way too. There are people that have unplanned children and we just want to opportunity to one in general.  So many people have children for wrong reasons, I've heard women say that they just had another kid so they could have more welfare money or food stamps. It hurts to see people that should not pro-create, popping out kids left and right, especially when you want one so badly. I know that we could give a child a great life, we want to raise our child to have an open mind and to make smart decisions. We want to give a child the opportunity to do things we never got to, like playing sports, going to amusement parks, taking trips and going to lake or park. I never go that and I would love to provide that for another living being. I don't need a million dollars to do that.We are so open minded and  our willingness and wantingness to share that and create that in another human being is a crazy idea to me, but it's totally true. I know Jim feels the same and it's amazing to see him with Mr. Cameron. I know he will be a great father someday and I hope that someone will be willing to take a chance on us, even though we aren't millionaires! 

Thanks everyone for letting me vent a little. I feel better that I have gotten this out. If anyone has some advice for me, please send me a message we both would like to hear what y'all have to say!